Recently I heard of a book named Craving for Love by Briar Whitehead, as it was recommended by the founder of Liberty Ministries, Christopher Keane. I have read the the first 100 pages or so, and have a fair bit to go before completing it, but I would have to say that it is the book to read in order to understand homosexuality and how it is healed. The first 81 pages describes not so much homosexuality but the overarching, underlying roots of relationship addiction and narcissism which so many sexually broken people exhibit (both gay and straight).
Here are a few great quotes:
“My need to be special to an older man [became] displaced by burning images of God’s tenderest love for me … as I stabilised and began to look about me- particularly the church- I saw my own story … People who had been Christians a long time, caught in compulsive behaviours they couldn’t even own, let alone understand; disillusioned and feeling out of touch with God, but keeping up a good act for appearances’ sake. Women dependent on food, work, men, on spending money, helping people, other women. Men addicted to sex and porn and denying it, men seeking power and status and success, but camouflaging it in acceptable Christian ways: focused on church growth, winning souls, building ministries. Women needing men, doing anything to get them and keep them, excusing their abuse and anger; women marrying men to ‘help’ and ‘fix’ them and so gain and keep their love (it never worked, but they kept trying) … possessive relationships between mothers and sons because husbands and fathers weren’t there, and between pastors’ wives and other men because pastors were too busy” (pp. 20-21);
“A straight woman turns to a man; a homosexual man turns to a man. So what?! Both sexualise their need, because they don’t understand its origins. A man may turn to sex, power, and status. There is no difference” (p. 21);
“The family most likely to produce the co-dependent: a parent exercising inflexible control; secrecy (problems and emotions are not talked about); denial (problems and emotions do not exist); appearances (look good at all costs); isolation (emotional – though sometimes physical) from ‘outsiders’ and each other. Members of these families learn to live by three commandments: though shalt not talk (about problems or emotions), thou shalt not trust, thou shalt not feel” (p. 56)
“The point is not so much what we become addicted to, but that we become addicted because of what our attachment does for us” (p. 25);
“Nothing about you is new to God, though it might be new to you. If what you read upsets you, God knew about it anyway and love[s] you regardless, and will love you now not one bit less” (p. 36);
“Our upbringing and our response to it, goes a long way towards making us the kind of people we are … Relationship addicts follow the same cycle as those caught in substance addiction: tolerance increase (more and more of [the other person's company] to get the same effect); obsessive thoughts [about the other]; compulsive behaviour (not ‘I choose to’, but ‘I have to’ be with him); protection of the supply … and withdrawal symptoms” (p. 42, 43);
“Hungry people make poor shoppers … We relationship addicts … will resist the idea that our relationships are unhealthy, simply because we [believe we] cannot do without them: they are our source of life and love. Without realising it we have developed elaborate- even scriptural- justifications for them (pp. 46, 47);
“Christians are allowed to have self-esteem … It is the person who does not have self-esteem who becomes self-centred. Self-esteem is the warm and appreciative respect and regard I have for myself as a person made in the image of God. We are meant to love ourselves: the second great command is that we love others as we love ourselves. If we do not love ourselves the right way we cannot love others. Lack of self-esteem fuels compensating behaviours” (p. 54)
I could go on because there are so many terrific gems in Whitehead’s book, but if I quoted more I would likely be breaching copyright laws. I simply cannot emphasise this book enough in understanding the issue of homosexuality and relationship/love addiction. Please get a copy if you can. (You can do this through Amazon or the Book Depository, which sends books through the mail for free).
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Last week there appeared an article in the British newspaper, The Guardian, which told of fraternal twin brothers. One of them is black, while the other has paler skin. Tellingly, the black teenager is gay while the white teenager is heterosexual. This is interesting because it reveals that homosexuality it not, in fact, genetic. However, what intrigued me is that their story re-inforced the type of thing that Whitehead is talking about. The gay son is the outgoing type proving himself through academic achievement. Mum and dad have both parented a number of children outside of marriage, thus creating an unstable home environment where sons are trying to anchor their parents through achievement and sex. When the gay son is bullied at school for being black and gay, who rescues him? Twin brother. Not dad, who has no involvement in his son’s sorrow. In fact, the kids at school are probably bullying him because they sense the pre-existing insecurity from the lack of father. The fact that one of them has a same-sex attraction is not all that surprising: the other may have an opposite-sex sexual addiction or some other addiction that has not yet been resolved, if not the entire family.